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| Celluloid-based Devil |
And on the subject of vicious little bastards, you’ve got
your three basic Tasmanian Devil flavours…
The first lives on celluloid in the Warner Bros. Loony Tunes
vault. Also referred to as ‘Taz,’
this whippersnapper is known as a dim-witted carnivore with a notoriously short
temper and meager tolerance for nonsense. He’ll also eat anything and
everything in sight courtesy of an appetite demonstrating little discretion.
But, he is best recognized for his propensity for going berserk and spinning
himself into a small tornado-ish flip-out, willingness to bite into / through
just about anything, and a vocabulary, or lack thereof, primarily consisting of
grunts, growls and rasps.
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| Island-based nasty bugger |
Our second specimen is a resident of the Australian island
state of Tasmania, and more akin to a cute little bear than is Taz. Or so it would seem. This little guy is actually
characterized by his stocky and muscular build, black fur, stanky odour, startlingly loud and disturbing screech, keen sense of smell, and ferocity when dining. The Tasmanian Devil's large head and neck enables it to crank out the
strongest bite, relative to size, of any living mammal. And -- just to keep things interesting -- he hunts, will mow down carrion, or even devour your entire rubbish bin if you live in close proximity.
A real darling, to be sure.
Contestant number 3 is, well, a combination of the first
two. It is well known for a
notoriously short temper with zero tolerance for bullshit. Maintains nasty, crushing jaws enabling
it to eat just about anything and everything without thinking twice -- from humans, to
full-tilt sailing yachts, to the most insane hopes and dreams. It is also well known for whipping
itself into a tornadic frenzy whilst uttering grunts, groans, and growls.
A real darling, to be sure.
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| Sea-based trouble |
The real difference between the first two players vs. the
last is that our third flavour lurks beneath the waves, has no discernible
form, is very very unpredictable, and lives in the space between Australia's Sydney Harbour
and Tasmanian Hobart. Exactly the
route of the mother of all unhinged competitive sailing ideas, the annual
Sydney to Hobart Yacht Race.
Each year at 1 p.m. on Boxing Day (26 Dec. to you and
I) since 1945 the Sydney to Hobart Yacht Race -- or Bluewater Classic – kicks
into gear. Beginning in Sydney and finishing in the Tasmanian island city of
Hobart in southeast Oz, the race covers approximately 630 nautical miles. And I’m here to tell you, this is not a
lazy day-sail for the faint-of-heart with a picnic lunch -- it is aimed at
serious sailing lunatics, billionaire psychopaths on a rampage, and anyone else
up for a king-hell ass-thumping slap-down.
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| Wild Oats, on the case |
The race is run by a couple of Royal Yacht Clubs at either
end of the course, and is widely considered to be one of the most difficult
yacht races in the world. It is also one of the top three offshore races and attracts maxi yachts from virtually everywhere. The current
race record was set in 2005 by Wild Oats XI – an Aussie boat that has dominated
the race over the last decade -- which crossed the line in a time of 1 day, 18
hours, 40 minutes and 10 seconds. But, for most, the transit will take from between 2 and 7 days… if they make
it at all!
Bass Strait, and the waters of the Pacific Ocean immediately
to its east, are renowned for their nasty conditions. Even though
the race is held in the Australian summer, "southerly buster" storms can make the race very windy, cold, bumpy, challenging, and downright miserable for sailing crews. Hence, it’s not uncommon for a considerable number of yachts to retire
into the last sheltered harbour before reaching the Bass Strait crossing, on the New
South Wales coast. Sort of like playing chicken, you just go for it until someone blinks.
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| Post storm damage |
Unfortunately, every sport has its worst-case scenario when
the right combination of wrong circumstances converge to create “a problem.”
For mountain climbers it was Mt. Everest in 1996. Among ocean racing debacles
was the 2006 Sydney-Hobart.
On December 27, 2006, just one day into the race, ugly
storms and vicious gales -- to the tune of hurricane-force winds and 30 to
40-foot seas -- raked the fleet comprised of well over 100 vessels. After a
10-hour rager, it was all over.
Only 44 boats finally made it to Hobart. Five boats sank, 66 boats retired from the race, six sailors
died, and 55 sailors had to be rescued -- many clinging to tattered life rafts
or dismasted sailboats -- by the largest sea rescue operation in Australian
history.
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| Ellison at the helm of Sayonara |
The first technological mind-bender to knife successfully
across the line at Hobart on December 29 was the US maxi yacht Sayonara, owned
by Oracle CEO, avid sailor, and general crazy-man billionaire Larry Ellison.
And so, onward to this year's race… Who knows?
As mentioned, the event begins at 1 p.m. 26 December (9 p.m.
EST Christmas Day) and will surely be covered periodically on the plethora of
cable channels we all have. For
the official dope, you can tune in to race-sponsor, Rolex’s web site at:
Of course, I’ll be seriously plugged-in to the whole thing
and will undoubtedly be back with a re-cap. Watch this space.
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| Ripping it out, in no uncertain terms |
One way or another, check it out. At the very least you’ll have to watch out of the same morbid
curiosity that used to drive everyone to gawk at NASA launches… that is, in case the
shit goes down. In any event, this
year’s Sydney-Hobart is sure to be some description of a wild ride.
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